The journey sometimes takes twists and turns that leave all the "professionals" baffled.
This is one of those less traveled paths where she told science to suck an egg...that ONLY God makes the final call.
From mourning to laughter...
He has not yet finished her mansion..
we learn every day a little more.
Thursday morning I found my already unsteady and tired feet on a new path in my own journey of life, I have taken my first step into the last steps of someone else. My Grandmother whom has always been my sanctuary and soft place to land had reached her end days.
I walked into her hospital room unknowing this was different than any before.. I just figured we were doing another in and out trip to the hospital as she had done so many other times before.
This entrance into the room was different...there was no "hello Beautiful....hello Gorgeous salutation. She laid there lifeless, and unknowing that I was there. It was a sight I had never seen before, and was unfamiliar how to handle the emotions that were pushing up from deep within. At 92 this woman who had always been chipper with a smile on her face is now lying motionless on a hospital bed that looks and feels cold and uncaring about her situation. It is just there to hold her body...nothing more, I want to climb in with her, hold her in my arms and surround her in the love she has given to me all of these years. I want my body heat to warm her, my heart to beat for hers, my love to penetrate and start her failing heart. She is just there...not even knowing I am by her side.
The decision to remove all care...that conversation .... I can tell you...I was NOT prepared for. This is a woman who by all means of the word was a fighter... I knew the logistics, She has a blockage in her valve...her advanced directive is CLEAR...I understand her wishes. Could she even survive a surgery to place a pace maker in at 92 and a pulse barely at 30. All the thoughts in my head .. I walk away and let my Mother and Brother handle that conversation. I go in to my precious Grandmother and say Goodbye, I mourn over her...I am grieving...and then I realize...she's in a shared room. OH HELL NO. I return to the conversation happening outside the room and request a private room. I have now come to the realization that if they aren't sending her to Kaiser where she should be, they are not expecting her to live through the night. (I am half way understanding this at that time, but honestly not FULLY).
I let my daughters know. They both are in route to join the bedside. My Grandmother is put in a private room, where our mourning and grieving can be done freely. I question now why I was mourning while she was living..I had never experienced that before. She is living...yet I am feeling as though she is gone. Trying to recall the last thing we spoke about...It was two weeks prior, and I promised to come see her next week...but I didn't make it due to a Dr appointment and the inability to drive safely. That HURT. I promised her something I did NOT deliver. My last words to her were a LIE. I could talk to her now, apologize, hoping she heard me..but I didn't know if she did. So there was no peace in my heart. There was only regret, guilt, and this LOVE that I have always had for this woman. I knew she knew I loved her...but if I could JUST tell her once more face to face.
Time seemed to pass slowly. Watching her breathe heavy at times and barely at others...the family was gathered around her, each of us dealing with this loss in our own private ways. We had all spent the day in an emotional state, saying our goodbyes, saying all that we needed to say. Releasing her to leave to the other side...we had MOURNED our loss...while she laid there motionless and lifeless...but she still had LIFE. She was breathing...she just wan't awake. One by one everyone left to go home and that left me with her for the night. I chose to stay. I can give a million reasons why..but the main reason was my heart told me to... she was NOT going to die alone...
They gave me a bed, and I laid holding her hand all night. I would wake up just to look at her, and then go back to sleep with a tighter grip on her hand. She was not able to squeeze back, no matter how hard I begged her to, but that was okay...I could squeeze hers tight enough for the both of us.
At 4 am I woke and decided to go get coffee...she still laid in the same position she was in with no reaction or response to me in any way. On my arrival back to the room is when the MAGIC happened.
I sat beside her grabbed her hand as I had done dozens of times since 11 Am the prior day... spoke to her and her eyes opened...she squeezed my hand with the softest bit of strength...and she spoke back. I LOVE YOU....(mind you she was speaking to me as though I was her "Mother"...but it didn't matter...) She was awake, talking, and I was there... she did NOT wake up alone in a dark and cold hospital room with no one to notice.
I had her awake and able to tell her all the things I wanted to...she was listening and talking back the best she could. I apologized for not making it the previous week, and she just smiled and nodded. I called the nurse in she asked her questions, the minute I knew it was my Gammy talking was when the nurse asked her what her name was...
"Puddintain" was her response. That was her 100% kidding silly self. I called my Mom..her and my brother returned. She was back to sleep at that time. But not for long. She was awake most of the morning making us laugh and cry all simultaneously. She was giving us the gift to say GoodBye. The gift to share moments with her that would have otherwise been lost had she slipped away Thursday night as Doctors had predicted. I Love You must have been said 3 million times on Friday between all four of us. It was just unbelievable that we were getting this opportunity. She was alert...but weak, her pulse of 30 down to 27...her breathing had become less struggled and was a more peaceful and no longer looked or sounded painful for her. She was here and I was taking every second I had with her.
Every Doctor or nurse that came in was shocked to see her not only awake but talking and making jokes with them. The Dr. that had ordered the cease of all care except for comfort came in and was shocked to say the least." This just doesn't happen, it's rare. I can say in my career I personally haven't seen this..." Oh dear Doctor...this IS GOD. He arranged to have her sent home on hospice. Keeping her one more night to monitor vitals and Saturday she would be released to go home.
I stayed again Friday night with her, a less restful night as I watched her pulse drop and they could no longer get a blood pressure with the automatic cuff, resorting to old fashioned cuff, pump, and stethoscope. She was not resting peacefully, but she was only resting. I was thankful to God that I could take the bed next to her and just hold her hand all night long.
There were times in the last 24 hours she would awake and talk about her Mother, sister, and family that had since passed...I was her sister as far as she was concerned...and that was OKAY. I gathered in my head that she was between two worlds...and it was time to release her and tell her she could go to them. We had her for so long, if we must share her...she can go to them. The hardest thing for me to say...because I want to be selfish...I want her with me. I don't want her to go....but as the time went on, I was starting to say it with more sincerity and not out of "YOU NEED TO TELL HER SHE CAN GO" that everyone was telling me to do. I could see distinct moments when she would wake that she was confused and took her a moment to realize where she was...I didn't interpret that as unfamiliar with the hospital, but more so while she is sleeping she was more than likely with her family on the other side. As she was talking of them so much. She would wake up saying "Jesus"...I knew what I was witnessing, and I could not hold her back. My heart had finally caught up to the brain. I spoke in depth to her about how we have learned all she could teach, that her work was done...leaving nothing unfinished. Sharing with her the things she has taught me, I have passed down to my children. She was telling me I was a good kid, and she was so happy I was with her. Saying..."we had good times didn't we" many times over. We had regained our "Hello Beautiful".."Hello Gorgeous" routine. The conversation was the most beloved one I had shared with her in my 42 years of life. Not because of a single context or words actually spoken, but because it truly was heart to heart speaking words, feelings, and emotions to one another. I was there able to be taking care of her...as she had been my entire life the always faithful one to take care of me. I was at peace...and praying for HER peace now.
We got her comfortable with moisture for her mouth, sips of water, coffee, and yogurt to eat as she asked for it. She was in a place that she was able to tell us what she needed. I was more than eager to provide her with anything her heart desired.
She came home Saturday the 30th of May, Hospice had set her up in the home. She was awake and aware during this move, kidding with the transport team and just being her cute adorable self. Her eyes were lost and confused as she was put into the bed made for her here, but she locked eyes with me, and she would smile. I knew she knew I was here, and I would be looking out for her comfort and needs. We had a bond during the last few days, that I could never have paid money for...when her eyes met mine, a complete peace came over her face. I was no longer "Mother or Sister"..She used my name...I was now once again Jenni. The speaking of all her passed away relatives ceased...she was finally with us; totally present and in clear thought and mind.
The hospice nurse said she looked GREAT...alertness, color, and overall defying what was expected on Thursday. No explanation... but I didn't need one. I was taking every minute..every second as a gift from this beautiful woman. There was something she wanted to say...that was obvious...we just had to figure out what it was.
I say she was talking...and she WAS. Her breath was just hard to come by, and she was attempting sentences when she only had breath for a word or two. Distinct words were "I LOVE YOU".
I had to head home for the night, and gather items and my youngest son. I told her as I left...I'll be back, I promise, but you don't have to wait for me. I made myself get in the car and drive away. Knowing she was safe and at home. I retreated to my husband and children . I took a shower and put on fresh clothes that I had lacked since Thursday.
All of this in the first 3 days of a new path in my journey. I had learned so very much in just those three days, and had little...wait...NO knowledge she wasn't done teaching yet. I just needed to hurry back to get back to the lesson.
I returned Sunday May 31st late afternoon..with luggage for a week, my youngest son and a smiling Grandmother..and our personal ... hello Beautiful...Hello Gorgeous greeting.
The next installment shall come soon enough, but know as I close this first segment out (June 10), I have a perfect view of her beautiful face lying in the next room. Defying science...and all expectations and predictions since the May 27th when the Doctor's predicted her to not last the night.
If this video loads...it is from when she first awoke on Friday morning...listening back now..I hear what I did not hear then....she recognized what was happening...She spoke of her sister dying in the hospital, and the "smiles" on our faces...wow....what a moment I missed then but thanking God it is captured on video
It would not upload because of it's size. I have it on youtube unlisted to where it can only be located through this blog.
https://youtu.be/P8of7Hxga04
