a normal day, that looks NOTHING like normal

Here is a normal everyday day for this crazy life I have...

Wake up...against all odds it was before 9 am. Being a No School day, I had the opportunity to head to the gym early, but realized I forgot to wash my gym stuff from Friday....here's to an hour delay UGH. But, at least I’m an hour before my normal time.


Finally have all my things together, and head to the truck. Driving to the gym for most would be a normal every day uneventful procedure. For me it is met with road rage, disgust for others on the road, and impatience for every other car on the road. Forcing me to speed up to not allow them access to my lane, or slowing down to a point I am determined to screw their day up and miss a turn because my truck is now being used as a BULLY machine. It's sad, I wish it weren't so...but unfortunately it is who I am.

Safely arrive at the gym, check in, go to tan...their WiFi won't access the Internet...so 10 minutes in a tanning bed with NO music...GREAT...I ended up out in 4 minutes because the boredom just consumed me and angered me...

Walk in to the locker room...stop and weigh in...Pleased with the number, smile and feel positive, continue to my locker...

I am stopped by instant panic as my eyes glance down the walk way towards 25.

Someone is there...in MY locker...no, the lockers are NOT assigned, We must take our locks before we go home, but...just the same...that is MY locker! I use it every day, it is perfectly located with a bench and quick access to a hide away area for changing for the modest (that is me...modest). My breathing is altered, it's a panic attack. Yes, sounds ridiculous to the "normal" person...but I have stated before I am not normal. I contemplate turning around and leaving...(I have used this maneuver before) I try to calm my breathing, as I slowly walk towards MY locker...angry at the lady who has a LOCK on my door...upset that someone got here first...WHY could she not use 24 or 26....WHY 25??? I decide to just suck it up and use 24 myself....but it's hard...and it's foreign to my senses. I am almost debilitated with discomfort of the situation.


Finally get it done, the anxiety has raised my blood pressure and my anger...but I manage to successfully get done at the locker..I am proud of myself that I was able to work through my issues, and didn't give in to my first reactions, as I usually would have.

Get onto the machines, realizing I forgot my morning pills...OH NO...the day has just begun and I'm already screwed.

I take 3 different pills every morning to get through my day, but if it’s a gym day; they are necessary. Nuvigil is for Fatigue, Baclofen for the Spasticity, and the Tramadol for the pain...all three are NEEDED for a successful gym trip. I manage as long as I can. My normal 2 hours working out turns into 45 minutes or less. I Witness a lady get off her machine and just walk away...gross....wipe it down. Gym etiquette people, it’s gym etiquette. PLEASE learn the basics. I see this far too much for my sensitivities to handle. I don’t understand the lack of common courtesy in that place. I go to the weight machines and again, do what I can...but decide I just can't continue. When it HURTS to try, it's not worth it.

Make my way back to the locker room, and low and behold there's the locker stealer. Herself...I maneuver around her, and trust me she knew I was ANNOYED...at this time it was not only because she was in MY locker, but had the entire bench filled with her crap...strewn all over it. There was no need for that, she could have tidied it up, and at least given me a corner to place my shower bag on it. Nope...she just watched me huff and puff around here slamming everything around here. If I could have one gift in life, I wish I could be less obvious with my annoyance of others. I try to just “go with the flow”. But for me, that is nearly impossible.

I make my way to the shower, rinse off the gym sweat , and put on my swim suit. I follow the rules. I wish everyone did. Open the steam room door...and there's another pet peeve...sweaty nasty woman in FULL gym attire AND SHOES....I scream UGH in disgust, and shut the door without entering. I wait in the Sauna til the nasty disgusting lady leaves. My issue is this...the door states....SWIM ATTIRE REQUIRED, NO SHOES and because so many DON'T listen to rules...they posted NO SHOES twice. On the side of the room is rules posted as well...SHOWER FIRST...being the number one rule. The fact that people use this PUBLIC COMMUNITY area and treat it like it’s their home and does whatever they want makes me sick. I get annoyed greatly when I follow rules. And others don't. I'm sure there is a mental diagnosis for some disorder that would be in line with...but all I know is it infuriates me to a point that I could scream!

Here’s my take on the shower first and NO SHOES….it’s a STEAM ROOM.. we are in there steaming everything up, breathing in vapor for a cleansing benefit…and if YOU are sweaty and in your gym clothes..I’m breathing in your filth. If you are in your gym shoes you add to that mess with the dog pee and crap you have walked through out on the streets…turning it all into this steam I am now inhaling. It’s gross, and I take issue with it. Because it’s a POSTED rule…makes it even harder for me to tolerate, because again…I follow the rules. Why can’t they?

I finally steam, then shower. Walk back to my "loaner" locker, and that woman is STILL there...taking up the whole bench, I make my usual HMMPH sound, audible enough to where she hears it, I no longer am "nice" about the whole thing moving around her, and decided to shove her crap just enough to where I can now have the corner...she says..oh I'm sorry, I'm taking up so much room. REALLY....wow...well, how about when you say that you start pulling your stuff to a pile and SHARE the dang bench... but she doesn't and I say , well I'd be lying if I said I didn't expect you to be gone by the time I got out of the steam and shower room....

I finish my routine, she finally takes her and her bathroom sink of items with her, I have the bench to myself as I close up the locker and look sadly at 25....telling myself the early gym time, just isn't worth it...I'll see you tomorrow my dear 25.

Get to my truck, place my phone on the tool box in the back as I load everything into the backseat....start to drive away....hit the first speed bump..and I hear it.....OH NO...look in the side mirror...and there is my phone...ON THE GROUND. The battery, the back, and the screen all separated....

The screen is not broken.....thanking God in my head and aloud...I seriously couldn't break another phone right now...

The drive home is a close resemblance to the drive there....now I just want to be home and do NOTHING.

Home. .. is my solace from the big bad world. The one place I can control my surroundings, and avoid unnecessary run ins with stupid people. Until of course they wake up or come home. ..lol. because even my blood. ..my prides and joys jump on my nerves as if it were a sport for them. ..lol. ..mom, having a meltdown over who ate the last banana . ..is entertaining to them. Lol.

This is all before 1 pm.

I am exhausted already and ready for bed

A normal day...that is not so normal...but it is my normal.

Change is hard for me, I like consistency in everything I do, knowing what to expect is how I manage through my day. If I have a Dr. Appointment, and there is a new lady at the desk checking me in, it’s a melt down. Where is "Cindy" the one I have developed a relationship with and makes me smile when I see her…why? There is an actual physical reaction that takes place inside of me when there is a hiccup in my “normal” routine. Why must everything be without change or even minor adjustments in my life, for me to manage without anxiety and anger? I don’t like being this way, I really don’t. I just have yet to conquer that problem. Don’t change it up on me…and all should be fine. Stay out of locker 25..and we can coexist at the gym and never even know the other is there.


I have a dream….that dream is to have a day where I don’t find myself wondering why…and instead enjoy life completely and fully just as it comes...with instant change and derailed  expectations and all...that would be nice. 

The boy meets girl Story

So...what about this guy..what about this story makes it different enough to make us a couple that have beaten the odds..and found the longest windiest road possible...to get us to THIS point 25 years later.
 I can't even begin to describe him, our relationship, or our evolving marriage without knowing I will miss some major factors. It's been 25 years, different upbringings, different outlooks, and just different personalities all together. We start our story like many others.

..boy meets girl..

 ..and after that...it's nothing like anyone else's story! It is OUR story..
  I will do my best to capture the key components that brought us to from 17 and 20 years old...young, dumb, and completely clueless - to parents of 4, who even when they as a couple struggled daily with maintaining even civility towards one another...found the common cause of figuring it out, working it out, and making it happen...for those children. The odds stacked...we rolled the dice!

 I met him when I was a young child. His parents and my "uncle" were best friends. So I had gone to his Father's church and was in the Missionettes program. His mother babysat me from time to time...but we barely remember each other...it was THAT spectacular of a childhood love story, hahaha. However, we did know one another and that was the point. Was it a GOD thing, was it predestined...was it all in His plan to have us put together? If it was..why was it so hard? Did we make it harder than necessary?

Fast Forward 9 years from the last time the skinny mop head boy and stringy haired girl were last in the same room together.

 At 15 I no longer had my parents home or guidance, and was left to finish the next 3 years of being a minor with who ever and where ever I could land on my feet. Partly my choice not to return to my Father's home in San Diego after my triplet Brothers and Sister were born....partly because my Dad didn't care enough to save me from my self, and allowed the choice made by a 15 year old "child" to give her the power to make an adult decision, when she was anything but....

 I was living with my Grandmother for awhile  and just after turning 17, she too decided she had had enough ...my parents as we know, had no burning desire to take care of the child they created, and couldn't really be bothered with their minor child having no where to live.. so I called the "Uncle".

 In September of 1989  I relocated to Long beach to live with  "Uncle" Herb (he grew up as a brother to my mother -  and a son to my Grandparents).., . I enrolled in my Senior year of High School ( but because of my credits...or lack there of..was placed back in the 11th grade...sure was a punch to the gut feeling) I was back to a "new start", that looked oddly like my Freshman year and found myself alone again.

 I started attending church with Herb, at David's Dads church...a  Pentecostal church, that was far different from the Lutheran one I had grown up in. This is where our journey  truly begins..

David had not been attending church for some time...the normal teen Preacher's Kid rebellion was going on, I get it . Well,  he had heard there was a "new girl" at the church...and well, that curiosity (and young  hormones) prompted him to come on out for a Sunday night service one night in October...

 He saw that I smoked..and his theory was this: 

 girls who smoke have sex...

yup, that's my guy.

He drove me home from church that first night...and we talked for literally hours..I HAD this problem back then, of sharing WAY too much, and never had anything that was personal and unshared.  He found out way too much at one time, and I have no idea how he even saw past that diarrhea of the mouth nonsense I had going on back then.  ( I have thought about why I would do that, it wasn't for sympathy...I think I truly was just hoping to find someone who cared...who could listen without judgement. He was one of the rare souls who didn't judge)  he had grown up in a normal family and had a normal life...I was like this real life hot mess he had in his passenger side, and somehow he was interested enough to send me flowers the next day. (okay, he knew I smoked,so there was a prize at the end of my over sharing he was thinking about, lol)
 We set up a date .....this would be my FIRST real date.., and he took me to the beach...without going into the details...Herb was a truck driver, so I had the house to myself most nights...and well...I smoked.....and his theory was accurate..LOL.
 This continued for weeks, we spent all the free time we had with one another.. He took me out a few times, and we spent every night Herb was gone together at my place...and it was pretty amazing.....then the trip to the Emergency room in early November....

 I had been having discomfort, and it was getting so bad, I needed to get treatment.
Kaiser at 10 PM...always a fun date..but he took me with no complaint.

 David didn't go in the room with me, it was too early in our "relationship" to have him in there, that would have been awkward.... I am examined, and given a prescription for what ailed me...and then she said..."so, how far along are you?..... WHAT????? Hold the phone, what????????  I mean whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? I think for a moment I didn't even realize what that meant. I may have been through the ringer with family...but I was still quite naive, young minded, and unaware of most reality.
 I had the nurse bring in David as I waited for the Dr. to return. I was so nervous, scared, and so unready to accept this. I was seriously  in a state of shock. He comes in, with concern and care on his face...I didn't even have enough sense to sugar coat, delay, or keep my mouth shut for even a few days....nope...I looked at him, and in between tears said "I'm pregnant"
 He never asked....is it mine...either he was as shocked as I was, or just assumed it wasn't his. we were only together a few weeks at that point..the Dr. returned because now it was no longer just about what took me in, but now a prenatal visit.and we were told after using the cardboard dial when I most likely conceived and when I would be due...FIRST DATE...REALLY???.. are you kidding me......are you kidding me.....OMG. I think he hugged me, but I honestly don't recall much of that night after "so, how far along are you".

 We drove home...and he dropped me off...and I had no idea what that future held.. Let's be honest. We were NOT in love, we barely started hanging out...to be frank, I truly believe the only reason I wasn't a one night stand for him is because I had the apartment pretty much nightly, and he was your average blue blooded 20 year old walking hormone...lol, true statement.
 I don't know when I called my Mom...or when I called my Dad...if it was immediately, or not.. I do know it was Thanksgiving weekend I was once again homeless. As history seems to repeat itself in my life...Herb too,  had had enough of me.
 The pregnancy was fully known by all needing to know parties now, and Herb was just done. My parents could not or would not help. No one said come home..let me take care of you, help you, or be there for you...my Grandmother was so disappointed, and still unable to forgive the sin... the only place I had was David's parents.and NOT because I was "supposedly" pregnant with their grandchild. (let there be NO mistake, they never for a second during my pregnancy thought this baby was David's)  but  because they were amazing, Godly, and loving people, who would never put out a pregnant underage girl . They had allowed me a bed for awhile. David slept in the front room on the floor...and I was in his bed. Being a Pastor..me living there  caused some issues of course, and my time there was weighing heavy on them all. It wan't a permanent fix, and we were all aware I HAD to find somewhere else.
I kept contacting my parents trying to find a place to call home, and get the love and care I so desperately needed. I was ready to be a "kid" again...things got scary and REAL...real quick, and I wanted to be with my family.
 The call back from my Father finally came....
 He,  being the responsible and loving parent a teenage girl needs so badly.......had rescued me...okay actually he rescued himself and found a way out of having to take the responsibility of his minor child that he had actual legal custody of once again....the great dad.... found THE DOOR OF HOPE...a Salvation Army unwed mother's home I could be placed in. That was his answer to my question, "Dad can I come home"...WOW.
 I checked into this "home" in January at 13 weeks pregnant just as 1990, the year I was supposed to graduate was getting under way. To put the length of time I would be in this place...most girls were coming in at 5-6 months pregnant when they could no longer "hide" the baby bump. I was there before I even started showing.
 It was a free service to young mother's..I was even given a 10 dollar a week allowance...woohoo. My dad did good...got himself off the hook once again, not costing him a penny. Most of the girls that were there were foster children with no real family and very few had baby daddies to speak of. Here I was...had a Mom that should have been at least morally responsible for me and a father whom was legally responsible...but there I sat...with a hodge podge of lifestyles I had never been exposed to, Which at the end of my stay at the DOH light will be brought to that statement.
 Back to the man...Here is where it began. He lived in Lakewood...my new "home" was back in San Diego where I originally came from. That's over 100 miles apart. I say this is where it began...because this is where I found out just who I was dealing with, and what kind of a man he really was. It's easy to "play" a part when you are living with or even near someone...I was now out of sight, out of mind. I felt abandoned YET again by my family...and dealing with a pregnancy I had not anticipated nor had even a solid and real relationship with her father to feel any stability with that situation...what would become of us? I really had no hope for anything more to follow after he dropped me off and said goodbye. I was a ticking time bomb. Flooded with emotions, Rage was at the top of that list.
 David was driving to San Diego at least two times a week, and he will remind me often that once he did it twice in one day...I forget under what circumstances, but I am sure I was freaking out to some degree over something. That is what I did. I was PISSED off...and he unfortunately was my available target.  He was always there...he pawned everything he had if he needed to just to get the gas money to drive the 200+ round trip miles to make sure I was happy and taken care of best he could! Yes, he missed Dr. appointment's and sonograms...but he lived 200 miles away...and yes, I held everything against him...even the distance.
 Oh... I was rotten, I know it...I was needy, demanding, inpatient, and overall unpleasant. I was "THAT GIRL" who would tell him to get the hell away from me...but the minute he did I would become a psychotic lunatic in fits of rage and tears...ya, I was NOT an ideal girlfriend, I was the kind anyone else would have RUN as fast as they could from  ..I know there are reasons from my past that made me so crazy. I had a very hard time accepting that he actually cared about me, but I also KNEW...he cared about this baby growing inside of me so much more than he did for me. He had proven to me over and over again....he was NEVER abandoning HIS child...maybe a part..a sick and deluded part was pushing him away so hard just because I knew (thought)  he was lying...and would eventually leave her and me too...may as well do it earlier rather than later...I don't know...Many of these years I have blocked and tried to forget because I know just how cruel and hurtful I was to the man who was doing everything against what I saw as "normal" from what I had gone through with my parents. I just couldn't believe this was real. After I couldn't PUSH him away...and believe me I know now that I was trying...my thoughts changed from abandoning the baby to a conspiracy theory that made my behavior, attitude, and anger worsen....Was he only being good to me so I would have my guard down after the baby was born and then he would take her from me since I was so screwed up in the head...all the thoughts that go through a mind of a teenage girl that has never really had stability in years....can turn her into something not so pretty. daily thoughts of how he couldn't love ME, how could he with how evil I am, and hateful towards him..he only loved this baby...and this baby is MINE and I'll be damned if he is going to "fool" me into a comfortable state so he can STEAL her when she was no longer MINE  and only mine...and became ours,,,BIRTH...that....was my most absolute fear.
 He continued to stand by my side...no matter what I threw at him, what I said to him, or how ungrateful I behaved. I look back now, and if there was ONE thing in our relationship that I wish I could have a do-over for...it would be that pregnancy. It in fact set a dark tone for our entire relationship to come. We can say things and take them back...but that damage will forever be there. I am sorry for that. I truly am sorry. I was self sabotaging the hell out of not only myself, but my child...that was NOT my intent, but the look back...that's where I see just how bad I was to this guy..who was just doing the "right thing", for this screwed up, hurt, and scared girl.
 About 7 1/2 months into the pregnancy there was an altercation at the "home"... a young 14 year old gang banging hood rat...(no really...that is the best way to describe her)...got into an argument with me over I have no idea...after words exchanged she came at me with a knife towards my stomach and I just pushed her away...she was sent back to a state group home...I was evicted from the home as well...for fighting. That wasn't a fight, that was defending my unborn child, but whatever.
 Here I go again, calling family and trying to find a place to call home. Finally my Mother after all these years said...come home to me....My heart couldn't even stand the emotions, I thought it was going to burst....my Mommy was there for me!!!!!
 David was still by my side and came and moved me out. Funny how I was actually sad to leave this place that I hated so much months before. we all had become quite the family.I was at my Mom's for about a week, and she took me to get on welfare. I was denied...because I am 17 AND SOMEONE ELSE IS LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR ME...duh!!!!!! Minor child here parents!!!!! Why can't anyone who had a part of my being created realize I was STILL their responsibility??? Well, for whatever reason, and yes this still hurts to this day, she said I could NOT stay with her... she couldn't afford me. (bullshit...but whatever). My faithful and amazing Grandmother, opened her home back up to me...and I lived the rest of my pregnancy with her. David, still coming every weekend and showing his absolute dedication to his child. He made believers out of everyone but me, he was STILL around...everyone was just so in awe over him... I still had no trust he wasn't plotting to take my baby...there had only been one man in my life who hadn't disappointed me, hurt me, or abandoned me...and he had passed away when I was 16, my Grandfather. Beyond that...TRUST NO MAN....Even though he was STILL here...I didn't trust there wasn't a reason behind it, and in my mind that reason had NOTHING to do with me.
 In July 1990....check the records...the HOTTEST damn summer in California...I was waiting for this kid to come out. living with my Grandma, still having David coming every chance he had, I was still being a frightful mess to handle, and he was still somehow loving me through it all ...I had.everything but a baby. It was hot, she was late, and I was DONE being pregnant.  I know for a fact everyone in his family expected this baby to come out in June and I pull the "she's premature card"... but that satisfaction would be MINE....
 On an extremely HOT Friday night about 10 PM this 17 year old who had held on so tightly to this baby in her belly felt pain I had never even anticipated....My Mom came once I called her, she then called David's house to let them know I was in labor. David's Dad, being the unhappy about the situation kind of guy responded with..".okay, well thanks, I'll let him know when I see him."
ya.. it's the kind of love I got (being a cheap dime store whore and all trapping their son)....David's mother got up out of bed and began the hunt for her son....what I have neglected to mention is my dear Dave...was quite the party guy,,,and she had to find him...go get him...then drive him to Riverside...because she IS amazing, and knew better than to just roll over and go back to sleep. She finally located the drunk Dave...soon to be father...and drove him the hours drive to Riverside.

 David literally arrived just as it was time to push (I was fit to be tide...angry as all get out...because of course...HE LET ME DOWN as all others had, and was not THERE for the process, he was there for the "good part":...I keep it real as I can, and I must say, I was not the most gracious laboring Mom to be)   and then all that anger, hurt, and disgust for him just stopped...on a dime kind of stopped....
 at 6:01am on July 21st our daughter Keralynde Yvonne was born. 

 David had a look on his face the moment he looked at her, that I have never seen again...he may have been drunk when he arrived by my side...but the birth process....that sobered him up right quick. He looked at this perfectly pink pudgy baby and held her as though the world stopped for as long as he needed it to, to take it all in. Her face, her fingers, her scent...it was the most beautiful thing I think I have ever seen. We were both so young and dumb...we were NEVER  truly prepared for, or had ANY clue what the actual real live baby would do to not only our hearts individually....but the bond that was created at that very moment between us. She was not a piece of a game any one was playing...she was OUR child...our daughter...with my eyes and his chin...a perfect blend.
 David fell in love with his daughter at first sight...he even looked at me differently...almost like everything I had put him through the last 9 months was almost worth it....ALMOST I say, cause I was NOT a very fun girlfriend to have. Maybe he was hoping all that ;raging bitch" behavior was hormones...and he thought the worst of it was over.....Bless his heart....lol
 I took Keralynde home to my Grandmother's. and that MAN was still there every chance he had. Still pawning, selling, and borrowing just to get to us.  he bathed, he dressed, he fed, and he changed. He was a wonderful Daddy....(I still gave him little credit, cause it's easy to be "GREAT" when it's not daily...so you see, I still hadn't become this nice sweet girlfriend.) I know better now of course, all these years later... but at the time...I expected him to marry me and take care of me. Who cares that we hadn't even been together a year...who cares he had no job and no money....who cares he was 20 and I was 17..who cares we didn't even get along..he NEEDED to take care of me, because I couldn't on my own...and definitely not with a baby. If I got kicked out again....and it was the history I was used to, so i anticipated it...where was i to go...with an infant??? I needed that security.... I fought for THAT security....he was not buying into it...marriage was NOT an option.

an amazing daddy...from the first moment of her life

(there are no photos of US with Kera as a baby...in one of HIS finer moments all pictures with Me in them were destroyed...YUP, it was like that lol)

Our relationship was rocky at best. It was seriously a 'what the heck are you two together for" relationship. he got to go home after a day or two with the baby and I and be SINGLE....party, drink, hang with friends, locked up in a mexico jail for a few days one time, and a couple back to back DUI's (one while his daughter was with him on that weekend)...and I was at home...WITH HIS BABY 24/7. ...   yes, I was angry, I was bitter, and I was NOT being quiet about how I felt. Again, no matter what I said or did...he was still there every weekend with his daughter. He was still there making sure I didn't feel abandoned or deserted. When David was with us...he was with us...but when David went home...David would be doing "his thing", and that "thing" wasn't holding a job, or securing an income for a future, . This was my main complaints and our most  often visited fights.

 I didn't come by parenting naturally. I had a difficult time with figuring it all out. My depression, my age my lack there of a family life, and mental issues were of no help. David kept me grounded for the most part, so you can imagine when he and I were NOT good...I was now an even bigger  mess...with a baby. he truly was the backbone of everything in the beginning.

 Our relationship continued in the same exact fashion it had since the beginning. The fights were more frequent than the peace....the bad outweighing the good by a long shot...but we continued with it. His child....and his child having BOTH parents was THEE most important thing to him...even though we were miserable for the majority of it with one another...there was this beautiful girl that made every moment worth it.  so ,we managed. Kera was the glue...I knew it...he knew it...and she was the most loved lil girl ever. Her bright blue eyes and curly blonde hair...watching HER grow...was OUR best times...we were raising a daughter! She was our one and ONLY thing in common.

 In June 1992, right before Kera turned 2...we did a crazy thing...no job, no money, still didn't get along for longer than an hour or two at a time ...got in the car...drove to Vegas..and got married. We went and turned a bad situation and made it WORSE. People have asked me...why'd you get married?? I answer jokingly, but quite honestly it's the truth... WE WERE BORED. It wasn't planned, there was no plan of action once it was done...we just went...we did it...and as unplanned as our pregnancy was...as was our marriage.
 He moved in at my Grandmother's and our family life began. David never really had a job since shortly after I met him....temp jobs here and there, but the party guy  in him was always more important than an income. The day we married....is the day he killed his past and started working on his future. If I thought he took his Father responsibility seriously...I hadn't seen anything yet. This flake of a guy found a job quickly, and has since then always worked. He showed me something I did't even know existed....he took FULL responsibility to ME. He started off with a little job, worked til he found a better job, then a better job...so on and so forth. He married me...he planned on taking care of me. First plan of business,,,we had to pay off welfare for the year Kera and I were on it. His parents did that for us as a "wedding" gift. We were free from all debt...and time to see if we could make it better as man and wife than we did as boy and girl friend. You know they all said it would never last! :o)


 Being married to me....was no easier than dating me. I don't know why I was so difficult, but I was. He was no walk in the park either...and our two complete polar opposite personalities were about to collide with no one able to go "home" and cool down...we were stuck together in the same house day in and day out for the first time. The relationship we had during my pregnancy and the first two years after were NOTHING compared to the battles that were to come in the everyday married life between 2 people who had NO business even being friends, let alone married,.
We managed our marriage as impulsively and immaturely as our wedding day. There was no consistency in how we treated one another or to how we parented our daughter. There was a power struggle happening...and I became "kept". I had no job, not even a drivers license, no friends, and he RULED my life...I could not do anything or go anywhere without him or his approval. I was miserable, he was miserable, but we kept on. Physical to a degree, but verbal and emotional abuse was flying freely and loudly. We didn't realize it then, either being too young and dumb..or just too stubborn to give up,,,but we TRULY had no business or right to be married. The love we had for one another then...was NOT love for each other, but love for being the other parent to this beautiful little girl. HUGE MISTAKE...not recognizing the everlasting effects that it could have on the child.

on our first anniversary June 15, 1993

we had a wedding ceremony with our friends and families 

invited to celebrate with us.

 I DO take some of blame for our problems now, However; I took it ALL as the relationship evolved the first years, because I was the one who was messed up and came from a messed up family it had to be MY fault.. I took the blame because he made me feel as though I was the problem (he was normal, I was not). I know the things that I did and said were wrong, but this guy was no angel...but because  he was a real MAN. A man who didn't turn away from his responsibility as a Father, even though I gave him plenty of reasons to. He stood by me, he stood up to  me, and he was NOT going  to hinder his daughter's future or happiness and take the easy way out just because I was a nightmare.... That is where my vision of our relationship got distorted.  I should just be grateful he's here...and thankful he's providing a life...and quit bitching....So yes,
I very early on took 100%  responsibility for our horrible relationship, I was the problem, I was the one who was unable to get along. I was the one who was unwilling to just be happy and enjoy life....He was a jerk, unkind, selfish, and straight up mean ...but yes.... I was the problem....because...he was STILL here, and I was absolutely undeserving! (the thought process way back in the day)

Taking and accepting all of that responsibility ...gave him so much POWER as the days, months, and years went on. I didn't know it then...but I had created a problem and set the tone for our future, that he was good, I was bad....he allowed me to be the "bad guy","the mental case" and he got to  be the selfless victim who put up with the biggest B word in history.... these would be our roles for YEARS to come...until I woke up and saw the BIG picture, and allowed myself to relinquish all blame for everything BAD in the world.
 This realization was still many years away...but the moment it came....things finally were going to get better. The GOOD finally starting catching up to the BAD on the balance scale, where the bad had always been flat on the surface as though a brick were weighing it down.

 A summary of the beginning....I was yes indeed a misguided, angry teenager who was used to the people in my life giving up on me...he was  your average young guy just  looking for a good time....that good time created a baby...and that baby created a family. We had our order of events screwed up, we had our minds so far ahead of our hearts....but the VALUE of family was always the concrete level of this journey.  His devotion to have his family together, and mine to NOT repeat a cycle that had failed me....FAMILY...we were going to be a family....even if we had to FORCE it.

We were set up for failure from the beginning.  We didn't know eachother well.  We were not in a real relationship. .we would never had stayed in a relationship longer than a few months. ...we were incompatible and not in it for more than THRILLS. ..everything changed at the emergency  room when my pregnancy was brought to the table.  With all odds against us. ..we took what we had. ..what little it was. ..and worked from there. 

From 1989 to 1993 we took every day as it came...raising our daughter, getting to know one another, trying to NOT hate more than love one another, and making the decision to HAVE ANOTHER CHILD...because we were soooooooooo much better off now....laughing out loud. Not much had changed in how we got along, or how we didn't get along to put it better,... but we were set on doing it the "right way"...and experience pregnancy and birth from a better point of view than we had in 1990. A planned pregnancy with a married couple....had to be better...right?!!!

LOVE THE DOGS MORE THAN ME?

 There is a running joke in my home that I take better care of the animals than I do the family...okay, well in truth; that is more of an accurate observation than a joke. It I am just very attentive to the fur kids..they NEED me to be the Akita Whisperer...and I am proud to say, I have succeeded in that role!! I am their voice! :o)

 Tonight....I got called out for it...in a jokingly way, but something I hear on a daily basis  ..


 I put out the food, and put up the baby gate to keep our 2 large dogs out of the viewing room where the goodies are. My amazing husband comes home..and yells, rants, and does his normal "honey, I'm home" adorable and loving bit.(eye-roll)..and immediately puts the dogs outside. I start to argue, but just let it go...they probably need to potty anyway. They live indoors full time.

During the game I yell at everyone to shut the heck up during the commercials and during Katy...I mean really...if the Steelers aren't playing and the two teams that made it in, literally make my stomach turn...it's all about the commercials and Katy Sunday. That is all!  About 2 minutes into the 3rd quarter I realize NO ONE let the dogs back in...I rush to the sliding back door to let the babies in..... and there we have it folks.......
.AN EMPTY BACKYARD.....
 I start screaming, yelling, scared crapless. I grab leashes and collars get in my car...pulled out onto the driveway from the garage; and then my niece, Bird runs out and says "they're next door". I am still furious with my husband for putting them out when I had already had it set up to accommodate his no dogs near my food rule, and myself for forgetting they were outside, worried sick....frantic...put the car in park...go next door...
I am scared how these neighbors I have never met, are going to react to my adult male Akita and 5 month Akita pup in their yard.....You know some people have prejudice against breeds..sad reality.

"Ummm...I think my dogs are in your yard" I say with some shame and humiliation.

"Oh ya...they've been playing with our guy for about 2 hours now, it's fine, they enjoy playing with eachother"
 she states  this with a tone like it's a normal occurrence.  Why was she so calm and acting like it was just another Sunday....oh that's right...because they go over there Regularly-and play....huh???wait, what?????? I try to grasp this, because I NEVER leave the dogs out for more than 20 minutes or so unattended...and we keep filling her holes that she digs at the fence between our houses. Regularly????? 
The boys inspect the fence...and find 3 boards that have been loosened like a "doggy door" at the bottom, and I guess they just go back and forth. Now my light bulb was glowing above my head because when I call for the dogs and they are not right at the back porch...they seem to take a long while to come around the corner of my house....the fence door they somehow have created is just out of my sight....these two are ridiculous.... I am in shock this has been happening, because again...I don't leave them outside long enough...well, they proved me wrong.

 Here is my problem, and my reasons for screaming at the husband and kids...there ARE reasons they are indoor dogs. There are many many reasons I don't let them sit outside unattended for long....one reason...Pain is an escape artist...always has been, even as a pup. He is untrustworthy. Reason two....Boredom creates a problem when you have dogs. They get into things they shouldn't, and have digging issues BOTH of them (Thanks to Savi's new puppy favorite past time, UGH). Third reason...we have a not so reliable fence...and we find compromises in the security of it all the time (due to the dig, the pounce, and the wind). If the fencing isn't secure, I risk the lives of my dogs if they were to get out, I am not okay with that The fourth reason...because I am a RESPONSIBLE pet owner, who would rather my dogs not sit outside for hours and hours with no human interaction. 
 My problem starts when they were put out because he was "annoyed"...and because I didn't put them Outside, I had forgot they were even out there.
 I am now validated when I look in the backyard and there are NO dogs....freaked out, scared, ready to cry...YES...wanting to kill the husband for refusing to UNDERSTAND why I don't like them outside longer than it takes to pee.... and the reason is right here HAPPENING....because I am NOT stupid, or making excuses to keep them IN.

 So...back to the recovery of the dogs. I get back in the house, still so very upset. Shaking with many emotions, and still bewildered that these two are visiting the neighbors on a regular basis. It's almost like when you can't find your child at the supermarket for like 3 seconds....that heart pounding fear..even after they are safe in your arms again,,,just that feeling of...FEAR...stayed with me.

David's brother was here with us today and he pops off with "Jenna, you know you missed a whole quarter of commercials" laughing. (making fun of me for being so serious about everyone respecting the commercial viewing....

I responded naturally with "ya...I know, oh well"

He doesn't even have to think about it (and he is unaware of the "joke" around here)

"so you're pretty much saying the dogs are more important than the "sacred" commercials, "

Well....that led the whole house of kids AND David to confirm what he had observed, and they enjoyed every moment of it. LOL....adding they were more important than they were as well, it wasn't just commercials they outranked ...but EVERYTHING. ...lol, damn...

Yup....that is my life. The BIL was not being mean, it was in fun and joking as he said it...but it was true...and I own it.

 My relationship with my animals.....is a normal one.....to anyone!!!  EXCEPT those who throw their dogs in the backyard, toss out some food , or worse... those who chain their dogs to a tree or post. My husband, unfortunately fell into that category PRE-me :o)   He is a work in progress, and has come a long long way....I love him for it...

They are both sleeping right now at my feet...and the fence has been secured .... until the next time they decide they want to play and find any way they can to do it. My job.... to do everything I can to keep that from happening...even though they seem to LOVE the playdate....it IS not an option!

I will never confirm nor deny the accusations upon me, that I love the dogs more than I do the kids and husband... 

That will forever stay my secret! Haha