WHO AM I....

Well, I guess the best way to describe "ME" is to break it down into segments of my life.

I am a child victim of a nasty divorce. Nasty custody battles, and at the end of the day... a woman with severe emotional damage brought to me by my parents. YAY parents! They aren't bad, don't get me wrong...but I think BEATING the other parent for custody was more for the WIN not the kid. Unfortunately I suffered in that battle.

 I had a normal childhood. Played with Barbies, Easy Bake Ovens, and danced and sang in my room. It wasn't until that horrible age of about 12/13 ... you know that wonderful age where your friends go through the CHANGE...not the puberty change...but  the SOCIAL STATUS change.....where overnight somehow in some cosmic way it is decided who is cool and who is not. Apparently I was NOT cool, and the people who were once nice to me and ate lunch with me decided I was not accepted in the higher form of status they were given while sleeping...ya..it still  boggles my mind how that happened....was it my gap teeth that was my automatic disqualification....but hey...I have these GREAT blue eyes...doesn't that balance out that flaw? For whatever reason....I was at the bottom of  the food chain, and it was lonely and depressing. It was a less than memorable junior high existence. Thank God I had the group of girls that never betrayed me or ever made me feel "unworthy". Michelle, Christy, and Angela....THANK YOU.  Junior High was the pivotal change in my self esteem...that is when self doubt and self pity set in. Why can't I be cool? Why can't I be popular...what is wrong with ME?

 High School..9th and 10th..pretty much the same. I was not bullied per-say, the way I see kids today bullied, but I was taught "my place"... and I stayed in it. I couldn't afford to rock that boat...I still had the big gap teeth, and very noticeable Kmart wardrobe in a Jordache kind of world. Found new friends as my Jr. High buddies were making new friends as well, and we slowly drifted apart. The problem I found at this point in my life was maintaining more than ONE friend...Was it the trauma of the Jr. High change? For whatever reason, I really only wanted my friend to be MY friend and nobody else's......as Dr. Phil would say..."so how'd that work out for you?" It didn't! LOL... I was almost, okay not almost...I was clingy. Embarrassingly so.

 I spent most of my time  when I wasn't doing " teen girl" things with my BFF, Yesenia...who by the Grace of God saw past whatever everybody else didn't like about me, and truly loved me....if not at the mall, sunbathing with baby oil, or on the phone I was.reading and writing Short stories about young beautiful girls with the most amazing boyfriends...oh Bjorne....and the twins Holianna and Polianna who were all in a love triangle....I found a life I could create and be a part of fictionally...yet could NEVER actually truly attain, Where was I  that fateful night someone was handing out status points???

 In the 11th grade I moved...switched schools...and reinvented myself the best I could. Even changing my name to Jenna....life was better, and I still wasn't hanging out with the cheerleaders...but I was comfortable. by the 12th grade....another school...and it was horrible. That is when I got pregnant with our oldest...and ultimately dropped out all together. (That awesome feeling when you say MOM DAD...I'm 17 and pregnant.....and they send you to an unwed mothers home so as they don't have to handle the "problem",,,,, ya that still stings....but again my parents were  about the WIN not the KID!

  I didn't survive jr and sr high....I slithered my way through  maintaining "my place" trying my hardest to  just BLEND in. If they don't notice me, they won't hurt my feelings. Because quite honestly....the words we hear good or bad....stay with us forever. If maybe I had braces..it wouldn't have gone so far...I don't know.  See how I constantly refer to those damned teeth...but really HONESTLY....I don't know what else was wrong with me to be the target of such disgust from others...like I was a walking disease....I have done great soul searching in my lifetime,,,and that is still the ONE thing I can't figure out.....why was I put in the "loser" category?  Okay...enough of that, I rambled deeper than I planned.

What I took from my school experience is this... It's hard to be a kid...it's damn near impossible to get out unscathed in some way. But if we make it....we have a story. My experience was like many others, and better than many more....but...MY experience is what I know, and what has helped contribute to who I am today. Being an outcast from dances, parties, and the cool table...did NOT define who I am...but it was a major contributor to the next several years.

I had my first child at 17...and by the time I was 26 we had 4 beautiful children together. There's a big gap in the story, because that will be for another day :o) But at about the time I had our last child is when I started realizing the person I was...wasn't who I wanted to be, I was depressed, had no self esteem, and truly just "existed".  I was VERY defensive and timid with  new people. I was the most paranoid person you would ever meet....I felt as though everyone was against me, didn't like me, and I was unworthy of anyone else caring about me but my husband. I of course feeling that way, pretty much made me an angry, bitter, pathetic kind of person to be around. I had my husband, I had my kids....but who the hell was I? Isn't it time to figure this out and find that REAL genuine smile that I hadn't seen in years.

 The times were changing, I worked for a long time on what needed to be addressed in my life to find what personality of mine ( so many to choose from hahahaha) I wanted to nurture, and which ones I wanted to put to bed for good.  The husband.....without going tooooooo deep into that because that's a novel all on it's own....he found me when I was 17, Broken, damaged, cast aside by not only my friends but by my own FAMILY as well...enough said???? He trained me the way he wanted me, and I really had no idea that was even happening.  I got used to ASKING for things, Getting PERMISSION,  Acting like a "stepford" wife (without the clean house of course...keeping it real). Did he do this on purpose...I truly doubt it, he knew no better either, and because I had NO clue as to what a "normal" relationship truly was....I should just be thrilled someone was taking care of me. The parents quit...and there was NO sight of them coming in to save me from myself...so I took these years as - just be happy he is still here and hasn't deserted your sorry ass too. Who else will deal with you and your screwed up self? My eyes opened on that situation one day...and I was like....UMMMMMMM I don't think so!!!  Just a snippet into that situation, so much more that will be revealed later...

The search was on..and I was looking hard at myself, my personal issues, and the issues of others.What was real...what was fabricated, and what was just plain old baggage from way back when from family to friends that created this and I put it on like my favorite slippers??? I was allowing others to DECIDE who I was....I searched, I cried, I got mad, and I got answers... I found self worth. Not just because I was a good Mom....but because I actually had something to offer...I had ME. Quite frankly...ME is pretty cool. Teeth got fixed...I grew out of that awkward stage that seemed to last 15 years too long...lol, and I actually woke up one day looked in the mirror and said.....ummm, where'd you come from? I am not and never was beautiful (by Jr. High standards ya know, lol)...not in the least...but I saw something I had never seen....it was that OMG I wasn't UGLY!  Did anything change? No, I just saw myself from my own eyes, not the mean kids in school or the family who had betrayed my childhood.... for the VERY FIRST time in my life. I had broken free from that burden...and it felt wonderful.


I have a voice, I have opinions, and I have LOVE to give. True, honest, unconditional love..but....I also have found  boundaries, and only those DESERVING of my love - get my love. I can't afford to waste my time or energy on people who can't return the love to me without conditions.(crazy how there are more people in our lives that have strings, than those who do not)  I don't have room in my life for fair weathered friends, or toxic personalities,  I have no need to "collect" friends. No desire to  put on some show to be accepted by different  groups of people. I am who I am...I am raw. I am real, and I YES, I am so VERY flawed!

 I can appreciate the roads I must have HAD to take to get to this place in life...but I do wonder....how many of those detours and roadblocks were my own doing. Self sabotaging without even realizing it. Why did it take so long to find peace within? Those answers I may never know...but what I do know..I will keep searching and looking , because there is ALWAYS more to the story, and more to learn. Using my experiences in EVERY way possible to help my daughters and sons to bypass as many of those detours as possible.

Life isn't easy.... from the moment the social status fairy (or for the other half, we refer to her as social status bitch) shows up in every one of our lives... everything is altered...whether for the good or bad...your LIFE does change at that moment. I just understand the Underside of that coin personally. As far as the parents part of my not so ideal childhood...that's a story for another day, or one I may keep to myself. I DO hold bitterness and anger to this day, more so because I AM a parent and just can't understand the ease to discard your own child,  Blows my damned mind, honestly how a parent could really just "check out" on the responsibility to THEIR child......but I am at peace with JUST enough of it to allow myself to NOT let it control me any longer. I have a relationship with them that I keep within lines.  My life, MY boundaries. That's how I roll.

 I have skipped things, years, and many other contributing factors to who I am,... but this was getting too long, so perhaps another day...another look into ME. But for now...I made it to a happy place, and for now....that is ALL that matters!

I am now 42.  I have a better understanding of "my place"... and it's any damn where I want it to be!


I  now OWN the cool table....I AM the party, and I LIVE at the top of the food chain.